Emma Swan's Diary
by Blulili
Summary: Spoilers for season 6 included. A short collection of diary entries as written by Emma Swan. Likely just a one shot. Swanqueen. Rated M for some mild language.


1

I feel like such an ungrateful bitch for even thinking this and, don't get me wrong, I do love him but when he asked me to marry him, I panicked. I said yes because I thought that was what I wanted. I do want that but there's a part of me that knows deep down that I'm just running away from my shit again. I chose to settle here in Storybrook and make it my home. I thought it would be my second chance at life and it really, really has been. I have my parents, my son, a guy who truly loves me and wants to marry me and amazing friends. Really amazing friends. I guess I should be happier about this but I just can't seem to get as excited I should be. Like the girls are in the movies. I mean, I didn't technically let him propose, I found the ring and I just wanted to make things less awkward and didn't want him doing the whole spilling of emotions thing. I don't know how I would have reacted if he had done that. So I jumped in and told him that I'd be happy to be his wife. And I will be happy. Life isn't all butterflies and hallmark poetry. Even in Storybrook. Even for fairytale characters. He's good to me and we work. We get each other and that's what's gonna see us into old age, if neither of us get murdered first anyway.  
Yeah, there is that side of myself that I've been trying not to think about. I wish I'd never opened that can of worms. I can't change the past but I can make an effort to live in the moment, stop torturing myself, and try to think about consequences. It's not like I'm in New York or Boston and can get away with doing what the hell I please any more. Not that I could do that here anyway. I mean, its not exactly overrun with options. I need to give up that side of me. I've chosen Hook and I need to honor that choice. I can't have my cake and eat it.

2  
I can't believe Hook lied to me. I mean, it's bad enough that he killed my grandfather but the fact he wasn't going to tell me hurts more than anything. I gave him back the ring. I've called off the engagement. Right now I feel like a complete idiot for thinking he was capable of changing. He promised he would be truthful with me and talk things through but I can see that he is reverting back to his old ways. He just took off. I knew he would. Everyone always does. _She_ warned me years ago what he was like but I didn't want to listen. I wanted to see the good in him and thought she was being selfish. I can't think about that now. I mean, it's not like I can talk anyway. I have plenty of secrets from him, admittedly, mine don't involve killing people, but I kinda knew I wouldn't get to just have a nice little happy ending. People like me don't get those. Honestly, a part of me is glad that he skipped town. At least this way I can do what I do best and pretend like I'm fine until I actually am. Mom and Regina just dropped in and wanna take me out for drinks. Kinda weird still seeing them together. I said I wouldn't go. It's not that I don't want to. I really want to. It's just I'm feeling pretty vunerable right now and I don't want them to see me like that. I don't trust myself with alcohol not to say or do things that I will regret in the morning. That's why I've been avoiding it for the last few months. It's easier to control my desires if I'm sober. I don't know though. I mean, he's gone and I'm kind of allowed to be a wreck right now. I'm allowed to go out and get steaming drunk and cry my eyes out about my failed relationship, aren't I? Maybe I'll just go for an hour and have one drink.

3  
Last night was so much fun. Mom actually surprised me and got totally wasted. Regina was her usual observant self. She sees right through me and I wish she didn't but I'm glad she does, if that makes any sense. We talked, I cried a bit, we drank and I told her I just needed a bit of time to get over things. She knew I was holding something back but she didn't push me too badly. After we took Mom home, there was a hug. I can't pretend that it didn't affect me. It always does with her. But I know she doesn't feel it. I'm just grateful for her friendship and I promised myself years ago that I wouldn't go there with her. I've ruined so many friendships over the years taking things too far. That's partly why I got with Hook in the first place. I needed a distraction. I never thought I'd end up living with the guy and almost marrying him. But that's my problem. I don't think. I just plod along running from one bad decision to another. But what we have is special. We share a son, magic, and basically run a town together. I could never mess her around like that. Not that she'd let me anyway. She isn't like me. I don't think she even realises the vibes she gives off. Hook knew. He hated my friendship with her. I suppose he felt threatened and knew deep down that I'd always pick her first. That's why I've been keeping it business for so long but last night just reminded me how much I missed her. I need her in my life, more than anything right now I just have to stop pining after her. I mean, I've managed to for 6 years. Eventually it will go away.

4  
No word from Hook, not that I'm surprised really. I'm going over to the mansion tonight to help Regina with some research. We haven't done that for a while. I'm looking forward to it. She's been really good to me the past few days and she even made a few jokes which surprised me. I'm feeling pretty good considering everything. I feel like the old me a little bit more every day he's gone. Like I can finally stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I've got the final battle to contend with soon enough and being around her is giving me the strength I need to fight. I'm not trembling as much now. I can almost control magic at full strength when she's helping me.

4b  
I just got home from Regina's. I can't believe I was so stupid. When I got there she handed me a glass of wine and we sat down on the couch. We started talking about everything that had happened over the years. How we both always ended up hurting and not getting what we need or want. How men always let us down, leave us or get killed and like it was the universe playing some twisted joke on us. Regina laughed and put her head on my shoulder with her legs pulled up under her. She just looked so cute and it felt so nice having her so close. I put my arm around her, rested my chin on her head and breathed in her scent. Maybe it was the alcohol impairing my judgement or the heaviness of the conversation. Maybe it was just because it felt so good to hold her that it made me forget all my reasons for not giving in. She put her arms around my waist and I think I shivered a little. My heart was pounding so strongly in my chest. We've never just sat and hugged like that. Girl friends do that though, don't they? I mean, I've never been a huggy friend. We've never been like that. Maybe we both just needed it for that moment. Maybe Regina just needs a bit of physical contact too in a non sexual way. But my body reacted as it always bloody does whenever she's around and I think she might have noticed. I got goosepimples as she gently stroked my side. It felt errotic and my breathing wouldn't stabilize. I got up and all but ran out the door without looking at her and called out thanks for the drink. I was so embarrassed. I think she knew I was getting turned on and I'm mortified! I can't stop cringing at myself. I really hope she was too drunk to notice.

5  
Woke up to a text from Regina asking if I was ok because I ran out of there so fast last night. I'm not sure what to text her back. I feel like an idiot. It was only a hug for God's sake and I acted like a horny, sex starved teenage boy. I can't be around her. Hook had only just left and I'm really not in control of my body or emotions right now. I'll just text her and say I had a migraine coming on. If she did see my goosepimples then she might just think I had a light fever or something.

5b  
She turned up at the station with lunch for me this afternoon. I could hardly look at her. She told me to stop fighting off my feelings and let them out. I don't know if she realised just how much I nearly did last night. Some days I feel like I have nothing to lose but then I remember everything she has been through and I know that it would be totally unfair of me to put her in that situation and possibly destroy the only real friendship that either of us have. The only one that isn't forced. She put her hand on mine and I looked up. She had that pleading expression on her face. I managed a smile and told her I was fine and that I wasn't hiding my feelings. She raised an eyebrow but dropped the subject and removed her hand. If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn she looked pissed off with me, even a bit hurt. Maybe she was because she knows there's something I'm hiding from her. She thinks it's Hook. I wish it were.

6  
I was trying not to be too close to her but she's kinda made it impossible! Last night, she turned up at my place with her cider saying that she didn't wanna be alone and imagined that I didn't want to be either. Henry was staying with Violet. I was quite surprised that Regina was ok with that because, well, horny teens and what not. But that's another story. She came in and plonked down on my sofa. I've never seen Regina plonk onto anything and it made me laugh. She smiled and said, "Sorry, that was a bit rude of me, wasn't it?" I told her it was fine and she should feel comfortable enough with me by now to know that. So she kicked off her shoes and stretched out saying, "Good because my feet are killing me from those heels!" Honestly, I couldn't stop smiling. Seeing her lain out on my couch without the ridiculous heels and looking so relaxed made my heart skip a beat. I couldn't even blame it on the alcohol because we hadn't even had a sip yet. It just felt so completely right to have her there. I must have spaced out imagining waking up to her in my bed each morning, seeing her pad around my kitchen in one of my shirts and her underwear, kissing her and cuddling up to watch t.v. on my sofa. She wasn't on the couch any more. She was stood right in front of me looking concerned and had taken both of my hands in hers. She asked if I was ok and I just burst into tears. I couldn't hold it together any longer. She led me to the couch and sat me down, soothing me and stroking my tears away with such gentle kindness. She was so patient and just let me cry for a good five minutes before saying anything. She said, "you don't have to hold it together with me, ever." That set me off crying again and I got so angry and screamed "I do, though! I do!" And pushed her away from me and curled up in a ball on the couch facing away from her. I felt awful for punishing her when she was being so nice and caring to me. She let me cry again in silence for another few minutes before gently putting her hand on my back and stroking lightly. She asked me the question I was hoping she wouldn't. "Why do you think that, Emma?"  
I blurted out, "because you are my best friend and I don't want to burden you with my shit or ruin our friendship. Because I'm a mess and I can't hold it together when I'm around you. Because, because you deserve a better friend than one who thinks about fu..." I stopped myself from completing the phrase. She looked at me with intent and I could see her pulse in the side of her neck. She opened and closed her mouth a few times to say something but I didn't let her and said I thought she should leave. She let a tear slip down her cheek and I felt like my heart was breaking. She stood up and I was sure she was about to walk out so I buried my head in the cushions. She didn't leave. She sat back down and said, "I am not leaving you, no matter how hard you push me. I know you are hurting but I don't think this is about the Pirate at all, is it? Are you uncomfortable with our.. our friendship?"

I stopped crying and could feel my heart rattling against my ribs. She told me to look at her in her most serious tone. I did. She was shaking her head, her mouth slightly open and an exhasperated look on her face. She was irritated and looked as though she was racking her brain for an answer to something. She said. "Emma, I'm going to go out on a limb here and, if I'm wrong then, well, we will deal with that later, but, if I'm right I am going to be seriously pissed off."

I looked at her with a pained expression waiting for her to finish the rest of her thought train. I was ready for it. If she never wanted to see me again, there was nothing I could do about it. At that point, I honestly couldn't feel any lower. It had been torture for 6 years feeling such a strong pull towards this woman and having to deny it. At least if it was out there I could have some kind of closure.

She bit her lip and scrunched her eyebrows down before saying, "Are you... were you about to say that you think about... are you attracted to me, Emma?"

It was there. It was hanging in the air and I felt my cheeks flush in embarrassment at being found out. I replied. "Yes. Yes Regina. I am extremely attracted to you. I have been since the day you opened the door to me on your porch and I'm sorry ok. I never once tried anything and I always put Henry and the town, and then our friendship first. I would never do anything to jeopardize that but the last few days I've been a wreck and I can't seem to hide my feelings for you any more. I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore, I know it's inappropriate of me to think about you in that way."

She shook her head again and another tear trickled down her cheek. After what felt like an eternity, she spoke. "Oh, Emma. You silly, silly girl!" She put her finger under my chin and lifted it to meet her gaze. Then she dropped it again and punched me in the arm lightly but enough to leave a small bruise. "You mean to tell me you were going to marry a man you didn't love and never tell me how you felt?! How could you be so self deprecating after everything we've been through? How could you be so selfish? Did you never once think about how I might feel? Did you really think so little of my emotions? Ask me, Emma. Ask me how I feel about you."

I felt my heart somersault. I didn't know what this reaction was but it wasn't the one I was expecting at all. Fuck it. In for a penny, I asked her. "How do you feel about me, Regina?"

She laughed in that self depricating manner she sometimes does and said, " Emma Swan, I have been attracted to you since the day you showed up on my porch 6 years ago. I have hated you and wanted you intermittently for such a long time that I almost drove myself crazy. I have told myself for years that you weren't attracted to me, that you could never see me as more than a friend and I started accepting that and tried to move on. I was genuinely happy for you about the wedding because I truly believed that you weren't dumb enough to do something that I would do and settle for less than the best."

I actually died for a second while processing her words. She pulled me back into a hug and whispered in my ear. "I am seriously pissed off because we have wasted all this time suffering and thinking that neither of us had a shot with the other." She turned her head to face me. "I am pissed off that you were going to destroy your life over that Pirate." She took my cheek in her hand and wiped away my tears while pressing her body into mine. "But what I am mostly pissed about is that after all that, I am standing here now and you still haven't kissed me."  
So I did.


End file.
